Thats not an uncommon experience. None of us see each other over weekends. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. It shows that you're a calm and cool person who is easy to talk to and has no problem whether someone says hey or hello. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. You're going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble .) Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. 3. And luckily the people asking me are perfectly able to graciously accept a No. And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Giving my notebook a bath. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. Why? The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. How should I respond? I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. 3. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. eh, my mother does that. Just ask! - Casey Stengel If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. At least, it never has for me! Find an answer. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. But I think its disingenuous? With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. Reply with 'Hey' Back. These people arent trying to gotcha! (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. Then if someone tries to rope me into something I dont want to do, I can pull out the old Sorry, I have a deadline coming up soon / Im behind schedule so I have to work.. Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" - Mom Advice Line (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. Me: .No. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? Dont ask each of us the same question. 4. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. Saying no at that point feels rude, and yeah some people have reacted badly. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. Thanks, I woke up like this. Funny Responses to Compliments Everyone Can Use Nothing special. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! Its great that you can come!. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. What are you doing this weekend? My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. Men who constantly try to manipulate women into doing all their emotional labor is a ridiculously huge problem in American culture right now. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. As a young black woman in the US, she of course had been steeped in spotting such people her whole life. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. What about you?. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. Going back to work? Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. Its the best. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? Is everyone busy? WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? You wonder where he'll take you. 2. If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. Thoughts When He Texts "What Are You Doing This Weekend?" - Bolde Because shes a family member. So when I get a what are you doing after work Friday? text halfway through work on Thursday just tell me what youre going to suggest in the same message. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. Thats not cool.. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. You have actually internalized a very common social rule. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. For a cashier: Great, how are you? just because they are probably required to ask as part of their job. Me? !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! It's healthy and doesn't cost a penny. Flip the question back to them. 86 Funny and Flirty Responses To 'How Are You Doing?' - Monk at 25 (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! An Australian tech and business journalist echoed this: "Great the new unsolicited email intro seems to be . And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. I think part of it, too, is that I have mental health issues and physical issues so sometimes the questions make me feel pressured to have a good weekend. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. Me: Nope. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. 3. My daughter is also struggling with brainweasels and getting a job. If I were any better, I'd be you. Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). What are the usual scripts? I mountain bike every weekend! . Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". Makes sense. Yay! You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. What are you up to this weekend? sounds like small talk, though it obviously depends if the asker is a known power-player. Can you repeat what you just said? If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Im working on this myself. Thats a very uncomfortable and isolating feeling. Him: Doing anything else? Indoor Cat raised some good points. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. Wow is all I got. When I asked him later, What the heck? I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person.