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Im at my end point now. In the first year he was in a pretty bad car accident and broke some ribs and collarbone. Like man up Be stronger. I dont know what to do with him. Part of me wants to believe something will come. So, i have been working on a book and a website which do have a good chance of success; but they are difficult to finish. Their effects and my mindset have led to two marriage breakdowns. Even he is sick you already look after him for one year . So he gets the credential (after his hard work much to his credit)and he is surprised that the sky doesnt just open with raindrops of jobs. I am way old but am still learning about unsavory people with no problem using others. Sick of his business. Do not keep a scorecard, as this will only slow down the understanding between the two of you. I got a job in the area I was studying just a fews months before I graduated. Honestly? Not to be funny why are your days so long??? I wont like it, but thats the type of decision an adult makes. The 2 types are : Money has a way of bringing certain grievances to light. Plus, I still make the same pay since I started, which is near minimum wage. Husband has been out of work for 6 and a half years. Every day that this goes on longer I have a harder time holding my tongue. We are both in our middle fifties and its hard to find employment at that age in our environment. OR! Id rather die. Its incredibly concerning that when you express your needs, he goes right to your mental illnessas though him not contributing is your deficit. They arent able to find decent paying permanent jobs with decent benefits, they cant afford to go back to school to earn a degree or certification and they often arent in positions to go into business for themselves. Once I get up in the morning , I am busy at preparing my kids and my self Breakfast and lunch. I wanted to come back and share with everyone, my spouse now has a full time job and he is actually enjoying it and really working hard at it. Help your significant other comprehend that, 5. this is another nagging thought.is he using me because living with me is better than living homeless? He told me in October 2018 that he would have a job, it is nearly March and hes only been to a handful of interviews and sleeps till noon. If I point out I am doing something, I am a monster. Simply put: Its not my problem anymore. And, because I wasnt strong enough to get rid of him when there were red flags I stupidly signed a lease with him and now I am stuck supporting my ex-boyf who refuses to move out or pay his fair share. I also do all the housework. And I am wondering whether I should also tell him soon, to go back to his parents place, get himself sorted out and then if he still wants me, to come back and we can move forward. I see it in his eyes how crazy he is about me but Im having second thoughts. Will he get physical or try to do something to me, so I just stay. Moreover, they must also play the role of. Or do you think a wife has more responsibility to do the household tasks? I would like to add the male perspective.When my wife and I got together, we bother were working and then 2 years later our son was born.I worked fulltime or 2 part time jobs.I continued to get paid jobs as time progress.This last 6 years where she looked after our son as she didnt work at all! He does nothing to find year round employment or even find employment during the time that he is laid off from his job at the educational institution where he works as part of the kitchen staff. Tell them you feel anxious, trapped, burdened, worried, alone, ignored, invisible, unappreciated, sad, or distant when you do it all and how you really dont want to feel that way, she said. When we first met he was finishing his studies for his second degree, and ended up moving from the Netherlands to London to do an internship to finish. It will continue, as long as you enable him to keep doing nothing. I feel like I just read your post but you were talking about me! Most often, we see a lot of support for the unemployed person who is building his or her resume, interviewing, networking, staying busy, and being positive. Everything he experiences is the world being awful or out to get him. I have to stay strong for myself nowIve decided that to survive, I have to try to look after myself as best as I can. A good one. I just dont know what to do anymore. He does do the housework and cook but its only the two of us in a one bed flat. I feel bad for both the unemployed and the one supporting the unemployed. In recent years, the pinnacle of motorsports has gained an unlikely audience of new enthusiasts. Friends and my husbands family tell me to be patient and encouraging. ", Other women commented on the increased pressure they felt to make sure they kept their own jobs, even if it meant tolerating horrible bosses. Your spouse is confronting an extreme time; however, you are, as well. haha talk about a slow learner. Then if needed get a restraining order and he will get the message ASAP. Seek marriage counseling if you are struggling with sharing household responsibilities. Life isnt fair? Im not stupid, Im aware I need to leave him. Ive supported us in every way the whole time. Then as things got more comfortable, he started drinking more, and then his personality would change, he was jealous of the friends and life I seemed to have. I feel and think that I have been very patient. It is tough to be unemployed, but it is equally tough to be the partner watching and supporting the unemployed person. When I ask them if theyve had a discussion about the roles each is taking on and how theyll split up the household responsibilities, I almost always get a no.. ", Or as the researcher puts it: "There is an inequality of emotions here where wives' feelings matter less.". I care about him, I dont want him to suffer, how do I handle this? Same about the house he does just enough to stop me throwing him out. You get the picture. I also had a good job and everything was looking great. :( What should I do? If they are in a dark place, pray for them and your family that he comes out of it. As they are the most import thing for me to fight for my whole life. Have you considered going to a CODA meeting. I felt used-up, I felt unappreciated. Hes never angry, just seemingly wishing Id get on board with his not being a financial provider. Now, whenever she calls, she always nag about money and to be honest, I find it painful. Please let him get a job sooner than later, not sure how we are going to keep up with this, year after year. I just wonder how it will l end. You are lucky you are not married to him. Be patient, be supportive., I think to myself, Me, be patient? We did know too much people in the new place and I tried hard to get any type of work , while my DH busy keeps busy in his volunteer work in a political party. While it wasnt really his fault company was going down the toilet and since he was laid off over 100 people from teh company were let go because of just really bad company practices. You deserve a good life. Its sad and pathetic to me. In a lot of cases, great people end up sidelined in favor of the average and mediocre ones who are able to manipulate their way into the job by giving all of the correct answers to interview questions. If I do the things that Im either good at or I like to do or I dislike less and my partner does the things that they are more interested in doing and dislike less, then the balance works much better.. Yesterday she said she was meant to have an interview, but apparently the prospective employer didnt call her. So it ended like this. As hard as it is, i feel its the only thing that will wake him up. Are you kidding me? I really loved reading your blog. The rest of the time he is playing video games, laying in bed, hanging out with his friends.. basically do whatever he wants. I hope that you are in a better place now, physically, emotionally, or relational, either with or without him. So instead of saying, Remember you said you would mow the lawn today, consider some alternatives. Reminds me of someone who lives with me who I wish had some sort of a life (a job, hobbies, interests, something, anything to get them the hell out of the house for eight/nine hours a day so I can have a fucking break from them without me having to leave.) I am 52 years old and tired. I loved my work and then I was injured in a way that prevents me from working. Home Terms of Service Privacy Policy Sitemap Subscribe to The GoodTherapy Blog. So, I drive him, he stays in a hotel, and gets the cheque later. I have no clue what is going to happen really dont.. He doesnt live off of my 80 a week or more working adult funds. I dont know what to do. Citing a now-(in)famous 2012 study that claimed men who do more chores actually get less sex (which absolutely no one I know, male or female, believes), he concluded: "The solution to the gender . So I am trapped in this situation where he will never ever be happy. In fact if they really want to find a entry level job, they dont need to list their high education background to give the employer excuse to refuse them. Youre just starting out good and you alright have a bum trying to weigh you down with his problems. I feel like he cant think outside of the box in terms of job search. I read your post, suicide? These are prompts, not certainties but please use them as entry points into new ways of thinking about your household. See what happens if you dont address everything, even if the thought alone fills you with immense dread (including visions of D test grades for the kids or your home looking like an episode of Hoarders). Childcare n well being of the children will be a big issue. She constantly wants to go on trips with her friends and vacations every month from unemployment while Im left here taking care of her cat and when I tell her we cant afford it, she says Im being controlling? My heart was totally broken that night. Ps my partner is also a drinker and has a problem. I say that because for the past 7 yrs it has been me supporting and paying every thing, replacing cars, paying her credit card debt and health insurance and you name it I pay for it. Yet you too have fallen foul of the abusive Y chromosome. He then decided to quit work as he was fed up. talented musician and artist as well. I dont know what else to do!!! There were rejections, interviews, and even jobs-in-hand that folded at the last minute thanks to the tanking economy. I ended up taking care of them when they were unemployed. Turns Out That the Husband's Job Is Probably the Best Predictor of Divorce. Please help! I understand you may not want to leave your bf as he somehow may give you some emotional support. He was doing fine performance wise, but was always in an angry mood with a boo boo face saying little to nothing to co-workers. I just want people to understand, that I have a job and all of my income goes to support him and my children. This isnt fair and not how I thought this relationship was going to works Plus he has destroyed my credit and savings! I promised myself I wont do that anymore. He wont do anything. Thanks for not judging, I feel better knowing other strong people also feel weak when in this situation. We all dothose of us carrying the burden of caring for a bumknow what we ought to do to be free, only to face the other challenge of actually breaking it off. Ive been dating a guy (I am 21 and he is 28) for 9 months and his contract job ended right when we started getting serious. Breadwinning wives also don't get parity in how household chores are divvied up. He is afraid to leave the house, much less work in a public setting, and has had several severe panic attacks just from minimal exposure to strangers. My whole problem is; he doesnt seem to think my feelings are warranted! I am 53. Once you have thought about your own values, take a look at your partners values. I understand your fear about resenting your husband, even once he gets a new job, and I think youre wise to get ahead of it. So fed up and exhausted working full time, cleaning, cooking, driving, taking dogs out, washing and ironing and shopping while he sits all day drinking beer and yet I get treated like its my fault and I should support him!! Like the illness defines me. He pouts like a child when I dont. Honestly, if hed just get and keep a job, theres be no issues. Youre not 5 years old anymore, and there are no excuses for what youre putting your family through. I am a woman who has had long term depression and anxiety problems. One such example was Amelia who explicitly told her husband: "I can't get emotionally involved in anything any more. And of course, that is quite understandable as this is not the traditional or even proper way (IMO) for things to be done in a marriage or family. Sasha Mogensen, a professional organizer and home cleaning blogger, recommends that couples develop a housekeeping routine together. But I need to see some progress here. You are smart to learn so early. I am (once again) paying the rent on our four bedroom home in full, as well as the bills. You have two choices. Praying, meditating are just BANDAIDS and will not help you in a concrete way to get the bum off his a** to do something about it. Please help if you can!! You have a son and he comes first. Which we lived on there property in a guest house for 4 years! I love him but all of this is kind of turning me off. If I kick him out I know he has no where to go, but Im sick of supporting someone who not only doesnt try to better themselves but doesnt appreciate how hard I work to take care of my family. X. I have worked at a part time job for 6 years. So before any of that happens if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid. To be honest, it doesnt sound like he has any respect or love for you It really just seems as if, to him, youre simply his supporter and money source. I can give advice but its also hard for me to follow these rules know thyself He knows he screwed up, but when the guy told him dont come back, he went off on him in text. In the last few months he has threatened to leave a few times and then gone back on what he said and actually moved to a new place with me. He was trying to find something the first couple of years. Since then she hasnt held down a regular job, apart from temporary tutoring gigs. I hate the doubt in my mind that he isnt trying hard enough. I am in a similar situation. If I mute or pause the tv to look or listen to whatever gem he has found, I am a monster. He told the guy he was thinking off keeping the business part time so he could also pursue his art! When I come home exhausted I have to study too for my post grad training. It has been at least a year that I have been financially supporting both of us. Im speechless. I have every right to be.. Its not affordable at all. I just turned 30 and I knew I wanted a family and man I can count on. I want him out of my life, but he has no $$. Imagine NOT having a partner to bring home a paycheck. Since then he has had one job for a few months last summer, but that ended in September and he has been unemployed since. She wanted to die since she doesnt fit or belong anywhere. In addition to looking for work, he has spent much of his free time taking online courses and exercising, which is great. I saved enough money to last me just over 5 years, and have family help if needed which I dont take. Thank you for your comment, Chelsea. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. Tough :(. I still love her completely, but every time it looks like shes about to give up on ANYTHING I get so angry and resentful at her! More than anything, this depression has changed my husband. She resfused to take a fulltime job as she went to university to get a law degree! Ive had people complain to me how as a single person they cant make it work on $50-$60K a year! Please know you are not alone. Again, he goes off in text to this guy. I returned to work after my year-long maternity leave and only then he started looking. Work together on problem-solving. Im not interested in giving him another year. He wont agree to seeking help for depression so now what? So she met this man, a former classmate at the university, and less than 6 months later they were married. I make all the money. Him not driving makes his periods of unemployment even worse. Any thoughts? Be found at the exact moment they are searching. Im thinking about shooting them out. Not to mention it has lowered my self esteem completely to ask him for money when I need it. His mother is sending me money to help pay bills each month but she shouldnt have to. There is a whole lot of feelings discussions out there about the impact of joblessness on families, but not much talk about how it can actually endanger the employment status of other family members. What to do when husband won't help with the chores Did this man ever mature mentally and emotionally beyond the age of 18 to 20? He lacks initiative with things around the home but after a bit of reminding and prompting things get done. I nearly left a month a go. I suspect that even if you had, you might still have found yourself in the same place. I guess my point is that I am building up resentment, but I feel I cant express it. He cleans the litter box (ew). I am putting out my name for him and hes making a joke of it. He had a job and I did as well. I dont have parents with a home I can escape to or rely on financially even for 1 month. Then, whatever your partner does, give them kudos and keep letting go.. I say unto you, dear partners: It is time. She makes most of their income while he takes care of the kids, cooks, cleans house and does all the yard work. He has a good heart and he still tried to pay his part of the bills when he was unemployed, draining his savings. The most important thing to do is acknowledge that youll have great days and terrible days. I love him.I really do. I was under the impression that marriage was about being a team, sharing interests and living a long, full life of laughter and kisses. I was so trusting that when hubby phoned and said end of marriage it was a shock to me. You are not comprehending what these women are posting apparently. Hes here constantly causing fights and bickers Because how can I keep ignoring that hes not going out looking for any work??? I cook meals and do dishes etc most nights after coming home. Instead of saying he would go get a job, he said he would move back to his parents. There is a big gap between my boyfriend and me. I even paid for an online class for him. Miraculously, we have no debt other than our car loans which we are able to pay each month. Unemployed men: how female partners suffer. When he was working he paid his share but spent his left over money on who knows what (probably strippers although I dont have proof). He has a PhD but had no commercial experience so its extra difficult for him to look for work. I started getting vocal the last 3 years ,, just done and yup that makes me a bitch in his book ,, if I say anything about him not working , keeping work ,, somehow its all my fault for not helping him with resumes and job searches.. Often, their emotional needs involuntarily get thrown aside because of the attitude that unemployment isnt happening to you, its happening to the unemployed. Both the unemployed and partners of unemployed vacillate on the spectrum between the hope for the day of the Great News (I start a new, real job on Monday and can help pay the bills now!) and fear that their savings will be sucked dry and theyll be forced to live in a shelteror worse, their parents house. Have a harder shell. It makes me really angry to spend all day working and taking care of the house as he just sits there playing computer games. But when my bf got out of jail he was homeless I wouldnt let him come stay with us. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and hasnt made much money since then. @#$% YEARS! During the last 8 months I have secured 3 PT teaching contracts and together with my government unemployment check (Canada) I am able to pay all bills. I dont care how hard it is for me. Thank you for your comment. If he is a hot head and you fear violence call the police he will be taken out of the apartment and told not to return. Put his pride aside and make minimum wage if he has to for a while, but for Gods sake.do something! He tells me, I know we arent working, when I have a job and extra money I will go, but he never will at this rate. I am truly exhausted. I understand how you feel exactly and am going out of my mind at the moment with not a clue how to right things.My boyfriend of a decade has been unemployed or part time employed fir the last four years, currently working ten hours a week. This person is very moody and is difficult to get along with when they are in one of their moods I worked with this person in the past and saw first hand the way they spoke to and generally didnt get along with their coworkers. What if he was employed for over 15 years with one employer, laid off due to lack of work, and employed again for one year; then quit that job?? Im a nurse lpn and make just enough to cover our bills alone but that means Nothing extra! I always paid for every activity we did and eventually he became depressed living with his parents so he moved into my apartment. Families can withstand tight budgets but they dont survive resentment not as their normal. He does contribute SOME things, and he does love the kids. He agreed to the job and it was clearly explained what it would entail so its not like anyone twisted his arm or held a gun to his head or even mislead him about what would be involved. He cant even collect unemployment because due the the disability, he had no taxable income the year before. I started to prefer not talking to his mom because she keeps on saying the same things that hurts me. Therefore, understand his capabilities and begin with a little at a time. Its been 4 months and so far he has been hired and fired 7 times already. He have not held a job down for no longer than 6 months each year. Its way more than I thought Id be getting into when we got married. I feel I resent this more and more each day. I probably need to see a therapist. Or, if its at all feasible, you may want to try going back to school for a paralegal certificate most community colleges have a program and its not nearly as expensive as one of those private technical colleges. Ah guys! I know its harder than it sounds but you CAN do it. I think hes comfortable and if I question it, Im not being supportive or Im being a b***h. He knows Id like to have more in savings for emergencies or for my car that I havent been able to fully repair because its paycheck to paycheck for the bare necessities. Luckily, he got called for a city job that he took an exam for in 2014. I went to see the counsellor and she told me frankly that I have to be prepared things are not going to change for the rest of my life. Hes highly educated, but not being picked up by any employers. And yet she wants new furniture, better clothes, trips to Hawaii then gives me a hard time for buying a little something off Amazon for myself. The longer someone has been out of the general workforce the harder it is to get back into it. Be grateful you have two people. Sorry, Im getting off topic. Unemployed wife won't do housework. Hear me. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and its been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything. I have no idea what employers want anymore. Remember, life is short and we can be gone any moment. He says that it makes him feel bad and how will he ever be better when Im beating him down. She has a problem with anxiety and depression and the job she had and loved decided to automate all the duties that she wanted to do during her work day. I want 2 have an advice whether i should continue 2 live with him or just leave him if 2 days i dont go 2 work im bored at home but he.. he dont go 2 work for TWO years any1 there for a good advice? I love him to death, but HOW LONG is too long? I honestly want to better myself and hes not helping, not even pulling his own weight. Its a clear case of people who are unemployed by choice taking advantage of partners who are not going to leave them-kick them out in spite of the fact they are completely fed up with them or so they say. Holy Crap Ladies! Support your wife and kids as it should be! He had just returned to town after having a bit of midlife crisis. he literally is home all day long. I told him I couldnt have him at my house again. It wouldve come with a hefty raise and health insurance but the stress of having to work longer hours and then come home to a dirty house, help with homework, and taking care of him got to me and I had to step down during the probationary period. He doesn't respond well to this. This is it , if The job doesnt work out ,, i just cant do this .. anger at his life, constant disappointment in me .. Who feels for us ladies that are trying to make ends meet it is good life if you dont weaken. I love my children. In 9 years that we have been together, he was not working for 4 Like everyone else, I was supportive at first then resentful of my situation. I could have boosted my business with that money and doubled it even more. He traveled for year doing consulting work for 1 client. Please dont ever feel bad for venting. Yes it is easy to move on by moving out. No collage degree. But it does not mean you can not make yourself happy even under an adverse environment. There is a lot of man bashing on here. Problem-Solve. I dont know what else to do. I know he looks everyday and I get that he needs support, but its depressing for me as well. See if you can get out of it and find a more affordable living situation without being stuck supporting a bum who is unfaithful to you. I love him and he says he loves me but I realized and what most of people in my situation must realize is that if the situation hasnt changed in two years its not going to. I dont want to be 10 years from now and my husband is still chronically unemployed, angry, depressed, and taking it all out on me. On may2nd 2016, she started her 5-weeks of agressive radiotherapy. He could come home from the most s***less job joke with you about it and both get a laugh then tomorrows a new day and new possibilities. :(. While trying to help their significant other through what is a rough time, these women bear considerable mayhem themselves. I pray that God will relieve us from the situation and guide us to see how we can love our husbands in this kind of difficult situation. Oh yes, he got his share of the property, an old Apple Mac with a dying screen. So he left and I stayed in the house only by virtue of the fact that I was a saver and not a spender. It was difficult for me to get work as I am an migrant and dont speak English too fluent. My husband has been essentially out of work for 5 years. 1. He was a purchasing manager, has a college degree, 25 years experience, long term in jobs- was in his last job for 12 years. Too long of a commute and he can find better paying employment closer to home! I recently walked out on my job but thankfully my husband was very supportive. We live paycheck to paycheck. I made it rebuilt my credit, rebuilt some savings, now looking to buy another home and live a scaled down lifestyle, but not sure I want her to come with! Move out get your own spot then allow him to get it together! My DH is a workaholic and works about 80 hours per week, I work full time 40 hours. Fast-food, retail, front desk, anything! He hates the majority of my coworkers/friends and talks harshly about them. He doesnt think hell get hired because he had a hard time getting hired the last time he decided to look. The former business partner decided to first, move from my brother-in-laws offices and set his own office, and, my brother in law was not invited to join them. Its unhealthy and he absolutely needs to see a psychiatrist. Just read your post and it sounds like me!!! Luckily we have a rental house in another town, and I have told him, sorry, we need to sell the big house and move to the the smaller house because its so much cheaper and I cant keep it going. I have asked him to get a weekend job to help and it has been 4 months. I have worked since i was 18 and 1/2 of that full time and half of that part-time. No one is saying it is easy, and no one is saying there wont be difficultiesbut why are those who give that advice painted as insensitive or just dont understand? My (25f) husband (24f) doesnt do anything at home. Tired. If you admit the reality and the logical consequence you can make the better choice for your life. Ive spoken to him about it before but he has always somehow made it out as though Im being insensitive. 8 years together and now I got the office job I always wanted, and he (even with a Masters in mechanical engineering).cannot get anything besides a bar job from 4pm-1amhe is either under qualified, or over qualified for real jobs. We have been together since 23 and now we are 31just when life is getting serious. Get off your as*! I never thought hed be like this but its been this way almost half of our marriage. My twist is that Im not in great health.